Blind-sided by the "What If"

When I was little, it was an innocent game we used to play with our parents, called "What if." Seated at the dinner table or in the back seat of the car, the game would ensue, question building upon question, perhaps intending (in some childish maniacal purpose) to see how far we could test parental patience.

"Mom, what if lima beans were really bad for you?"
"They're not, I promise. Now eat your vegetables."
"But what if THESE lima beans came from a farm where somebody POISONED the lima beans??"
"Your lima beans are not poisoned. Now eat."

"Dad, what if we ran out of gas? "
"Then we'd get some more."
"But what if we were far away from a gas station? and it was raining?"
"Then I'd send you to walk to get the gas."

You get the picture.

However, at age 26, I find myself blind-sided by the "What If?", shocked to discover I still play this childish game...with God. Perhaps it's now taken a more mature form and perhaps my questions actually seem important and relevant to my life, but the spirit of the game just may turn out to be the same- in essence challenging an authority figure, testing, pushing to the limit where they actually might admit "I don't know."

"God, what if I just end up stuck here in life forever?"
"God, what if I'm just not brave enough to do that?"
"God, what if I never get married?"
"God, what if I'm just not patient enough to love this person?"

...a more sophisticated version of the game, right? Cleverly disguised as prayer...A game in which I question God's authority and sovereignty in my life and basically say "I'm worried about this because I bet you didn't think to figure this out yet."

Jesus actually had a prayer involving an "If" as well...in stark contrast to my own kiddie-pool-deep-faith prayers. Jesus prayed:

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:38)
and again..."My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." (Matt 26:42)

On the brink of making the biggest sacrifice that would mean his very death (and knowing the torment involved), Jesus asked His Father to consider an alternative, but SURRENDERED His will to God.

My "If" questions suggest to God that my plan for me will be better. Jesus laid the burden of the "If" at God's feet, fully trusting His Father's sovereignty.

The truth is that I live inside my own comfort zones of surrender. Some risks are easy for me to take - for instance "things" and money aren't entirely difficult for me to trust God with....but people and relationships, now that's a different story.

I'm saying these things out loud not to be preachy but to remind myself. I believe that God does want us to be brutally honest with Him in prayer. And in my heart I know that nothing is safer than risking everything for God and surrendering all to Him.

May it be done according to Your will.


p.s. As "homework" I hope you'll watch this Rob Bell video (part 1 and 2). He's a much more eloquent communicator than I. More food for thought about prayer.

Labeled

No, I haven't forgotten.

I haven't forgotten about my blog.... more importantly I haven't forgotten about Uganda.

So what's up, you ask? What's new? What's happening?

Good questions, all.

I have a pretty short answer which can be summed up with "I'm waiting."

Maybe I'll start from the top for those who are new or those of you who need a refresher and some reminding.

I'm Kacie. I currently live in San Jose, CA, where I work as an emergency room nurse, am part of WestGate church, and in general "do" life with many great people and blessings God has put in my life. But, almost a year ago marked the beginning of a pretty big change in my life direction as God started leading me toward missions and specifically the country and people of Uganda.

So, I am planning on moving to Uganda to work as a nurse for 2 years. While I'm there I'll be working with a relief and development organization called Hope Alive! that helps to sponsor orphans and fragile family units (literal families of just children). As a nurse there I'll be doing a lot of community health work - health screenings, vaccination screenings, health and hygiene teaching, basic first aid, etc.

Since I will be there for 2 years I need to raise enough for that time. So many people have already decided to become part of my team by supporting me financially, and I'm at about halfway with the support I need. Basically, as soon as I have all of my support raised (or pledged) I can buy that plane ticket and hop on a plane!! My hopes are that that will happen soon, sometime this summer...However I know God's timing is not my own and He has reasons for me to wait (although I wouldn't mind having it spelled out for me sometimes).

I am planning on doing more posting about Uganda life, culture, and people there, but as a result of all of this waiting, I have consequently had a lot of time for reflecting (although admittedly, I resist this). While I have many a rambling thought I could share, I think I'll stick with today's, prompted by a message from church.

In church we read the story about Jacob wrestling with God (in Genesis 32) and the title of the sermon was "Labeled." Jacob was a man labeled from birth (his name literally means "heel grabber" or deceiver.... not too much imagination in the naming process - his brother Esau was literally "hairy." Try going through junior high with that name.). Point being, Jacob was labeled a deceiver from birth and seemed to live up to his name with every step he took growing up. Not until Jacob literally enters a wrestling match with God, does he face who he is past, present and future. It's then God gives him a new name and identity - Israel. Jacob is re-labeled by God.

I don't know about you, but I often feel burdened by the labels placed on me - by myself and by others. They can be weighty, like big signs hung around your neck; they can be distracting and confusing because they lie and contradict.

My labels read something like this:

Third child. Nurse. Striving for perfection. Lonely. Dissatisfied with myself. Confident. Does the "right" thing. Nice. Put together. Fun-loving. (and more recently) Missionary.

I could go on, and I know you could too. Actually, if you're reading this I would say, stop. Stop right now and write down some of your own labels, whether they are ones you made for yourself or ones that others place on you. We're going somewhere with this I promise.

Each one of my labels carries a weight with it. The ones I have made for myself are heavy because they remind me of my imperfections, my insecurities, my shortcomings, and who I "wish I could be." The ones others have placed on me are just as burdensome because I know deep inside that I can never live up to expectations. Eventually I will mess up and disappoint.

Maybe this time of waiting is my wrestling match with God. In the "silence" of waiting, I've had to (and still am, trust me..) think really hard about who I've been, who I am, and who I want to be. It's easy to begin to question, "Who am I really? Am I sure that God really said that? I can't really be a missionary, can I?"

I don't think my wrestling match is done, but here's where I'm at so far. God didn't give me a new name like He did for Jacob - instead He reminded me of the name I already have. Kacie, means Valorous. Elizabeth, means Consecrated to God.

Ultimately, God has called me just to look to Him to find my identity and to find my direction for life. My identity was defined at the cross, where it became possible for me to be called a child of God. This point has been driven home by a song that's been stuck in my head constantly lately, called Lead Me to The Cross:



Like I said these are just some ramblings and scattered thoughts, but they're part of my journey to Uganda too. I hope maybe they may give you cause for reflection in your own life and that you can also seek out the name God has given to you as His child.