the foray

WENDY (courteously). Boy, why are you crying?

PETER. I wasn't crying. But I can't get my shadow to stick on.

WENDY. It has come off! How awful. (Looking at the spot where he had lain.) Peter, you have been trying to stick it on with soap? It must be sewn on. I will sew it on for you, my little man...Sit here. I dare say it will hurt a little.

PETER (a recent remark of hers rankling). I never cry. (She seems to attach the shadow. He tests the combination.) It isn't quite itself yet.

WENDY. Perhaps I should have ironed it. (It awakes and is as glad to be back with him as he to have it. He and his shadow dance together.)

Trouble with shadows. I feel a certain kinship with Peter Pan these days in that I seem to be having trouble with my shadow. What is it they say? "A shadow of who he used to"? "A shadow of things to come"? It comes down to this:: the calendar now reads September 6, 2011, which means I have exactly 1 month and some days left before my two years in Uganda come to end and I leave to return to the US....and I feel like Peter Pan, looking for the shadow that hid itself away in the US these last years and now, somehow, doesn't seem to fit the me that I am now. You could say I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.

Did you know that "identity crisis" is included in the Oxford American Dictionary? Indeed, and it is defined as:

"a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society."

A crisis of identity. Apparently these things are not limited to men who turn 40 and buy red convertibles they cannot afford.

When I say this, I'm not meaning to be uppity or pretentious. It's heart thing that can really only be expressed as an ache, not ever fully through words:: There is no way to sum up these past two years of my life in Uganda... how it has changed me, the way I see God, myself, and others.

The words to a pop song by Dido come to mind:

"Yes, they'll ask you where you've been, and you'll have to tell them, again and again..."

Maybe that is the scariest part - not knowing exactly who I've become and not knowing how to express that to friends, family, acquaintances, strangers...

But isn't that the age-old life-long question:: who am I?

I don't have a witty story or memorable experience to tell you, but I wanted to share my thoughts anyway. You have been a part of my journey from afar and this is part of our process (of life) - to tell our story (out loud); because that is what stories are for.

So I started wondering, "Gee, I wonder if anyone in the Bible ever had an identity crisis?" Turns out, the answer is yes, and it's kind of a major biblical theme. More on that later. First, some case studies.

Joshua. Imagine coming after Moses, the guy who "the Lord knew face to face," there was "none like him," had "mighty power" and did "great deeds." Talk about having some huge shoes to fill. When the book of Joshua begins Moses is already dead and the torch of leadership has already been passed to Joshua. But...the very first verse tells us that God talks to Joshua "son of Nun, Moses' assistant." In other words, it's how we recognize his character in the story; "assistant to Moses" has been his identity. God gives him some pretty tall orders - he's supposed to take over where Moses left off, to lead the children of Israel into the promised land. I wonder how Joshua was feeling? Scared out his mind? Not only was he now the leader, but the leader of a people not exactly known for their friendliness, flexibility, or obedience toward their leader.

But God doesn't leave Joshua in a crisis of identity. Instead, God's encouragement and promises to Joshua about the way forward are rooted in Himself.

"...Every place...I have given you just as I promised Moses."

"...I will be with you..."

"I will not leave you or forsake you."

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

The encouragement was not "you're a strapping young man, handsome, and have a good personality, too. You'll do fine." No. Essentially, Joshua was to take courage because God is God. He did it for Moses, and He was going to do it for Joshua.

Elisha. Imagine taking over for God's great prophet Elijah, the man whose prayers stopped the rain for 3 1/2 years, called down fire from heaven (multiple times), and raised a person from the dead. Wonder how he was feeling? The first chapter of 2 Kings gives us some clues. Somehow he knew that God was about to take Elijah. Like most of us, it seems that Elisha was resisting change, clinging to the past, what was old and familiar....3 times he tells Elijah "I will not leave you." Other people keep reminding Elisha - "don't you know this is going to happen?" (i.e. your life is about to change). His response - "I know it; keep quiet," as if to say "shut up, I'm in denial, I don't want to think about it." In almost desperation, it seems, Elisha's final request from his boss is for double portion of Elijah's spirit - as if he believes that God could never do through him what He did through Elijah...even then, Elisha's first question after Elijah is taken up is, "Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?" It seems that so much of Elisha's ability to function as God's servant and his belief in God was tied to this man, Elijah. Without Elijah, where was he, Elisha?

Graciously, God shows him that HE is present and upon Elisha by parting the waters and having other people recognize God's spirit in him. Once again, the assurance was in the presence and power of God himself.

I could go on with people in the bible who faced a crisis of identity: Abraham, Esther, Ruth, Saul, Peter... It permeates. In fact, Hebrews 11 talks about some of the OT saints saying that they "acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." Stranger, exile. These words conjure up images of displaced people, people shoved from a place of belonging, people with identities stolen.

So let's go back, waaaay back to the beginning to the moment when mankind crossed the line from perfect identity into identity crisis.

Adam and Eve. The first man and first woman created in perfect identity. How can I say that? Because "God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him." And then there's this detail: "And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Now there's some confidence in being oneself if I ever heard it.

And then...the attack.

This is the clincher. When Satan tempts Eve, he doesn't tell her that she is fat or ugly or untalented. No, he attacks God, His identity, and what Eve knows to be true of Him. Essentially, satan describes God as a lier and greedy; a power-hungry tyrant, instead of a loving Creator.

The choice is made and immediately the description of Adam and Eve changes - now they are acutely aware that they are naked (and ashamed of it) and are afraid. Their own identity has been forever altered, and why? Because they chose to believe a lie about the identity of God.

Don't you see? Our identity is rooted in God.

"For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory..." {Romans 11:36}

And isn't that our entire story? That God created us in perfect identity that was destroyed by sin; and the rest of history is the process of God calling and redeeming His people back to perfect identity and relationship with Him. This calling of "come back to who I created you to be."

Listen, can you hear it?

"For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son..." {Rom. 8:29}

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." {Rom. 12:2}

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." {2 Cor 3:18}

"Therefore is anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God..." {2 Cor 5:17-18}

"My little children, for whom I am again in the anguish of childbirth until Christ is formed in you!" {Gal. 4:19}

"...be renewed in the spirit of your minds...put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." {Eph. 4:23-24}

So finally, does it matter if I know my "true identity," who I am? Okay, I don't believe that we are just intended to be cookie-cutter blobs, that's not the point. The point is that God knows who I am (He's the one who created me). The more I can rest and trust and know His identity (i.e. his character) the more I know my own.

As I foray into what seems like the great unknown, I'm reminded, humbled, encouraged by people in my life who face struggles and challenges of identity greater than my own...my friends and family who have moved away from the comfort of "home" to find a new one, have obediently followed spouses into new places and jobs, have followed dreams that seemed too big to be possible, are facing the death of a child, are choosing to follow the call of God rather than the call of status quo. In Uganda, due to war, AIDS, death, poor medical care, even lack of family planning, many children don't have birth certificates or know their birthdays. I have friends and work with children who have chosen an age that seems probable (or advantageous) and quite literally picked their own birthday. I know that these people, when faced with the question of their own identity have found their answer rooted in the steadfast character of an unfailing God. I am indeed surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, not just the people of the bible, but people now, around me and in my life.

So will my shadow fit? I hope not. I hope that I will have changed too much, and now look more like Christ, resting in His identity, not my own.

{2 Cor 5:11} "Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience." May you trust in the unfailing, steadfast, and never-changing character of God, knowing that He knows you more than you know yourself. And may you, in your trusting, start to look more and more like Him, day by day.