Oh here you are....

Stuffed in a plastic bag, tucked in a box, under a pile of books, I found my blog today...Okay, not really, but I was hoping I could blame my delinquency in not posting on the chaos which has moved in and made itself comfortable in my life as of late. If you fear that my long absence in writing may now require some sort of dastardly-long entry of tedious proportions, I'm with you in that trepidation. In the best interest of my readers, then, I think it best to give you the "Cliff Notes" version of the last month or so (oh dear, it indeed has been that long...).

And by way of prologue, I do apologize for not doing a better job at keeping you posted on the latest developments in my progress toward Uganda. 

* I quit my job. Having never really quit a "real" job before this was a weird and scary step to take. I wrote my letter of resignation and had my last day of work on September 1st. I had decided that my last month here should be spent being with the people I love and focusing on the many details that need to get accomplished before I leave. Since the word "unemployed" makes me uncomfortable, I say I am on "elective early short-term retirement"  :)

* I was given my "clearance to depart" last week! This means I'm a-okay to make my travel arrangements and start packing my bags. While my support level is not at 100%, I'm able to make up the difference with some of my own finances at this time. This is actually something I had been praying about before and felt that I wanted to be "mutually invested" financially along with the many people who are supporting me in that way. God has been so faithful to provide for my needs this far, so I'm continuing to wait and see what He will do with the time I have left. 

* This past wednesday marked a pretty important day for me - I bought my plane ticket!! Each one of these steps has brought the notion closer and closer to reality...and now I have a one-way ticket to Uganda....craaazy. So, I get my wings on October 3rd and will arrive into Kampala, Uganda on October 5th!!

* It's been really nice (and strange too) to not have to go to work...I've been able to spend some great time with family and many you, my friends. It's very surreal to think that after all of this anticipation, praying, and planning, this is *finally* and really happening. 

* In all honesty, while my anticipation is great, I'm also nervous. It's hard to conceptualize or really begin to grasp what it means to move to a place I've never even visited and place I know will be vastly different than what my life looks like here. On that note, I really appreciate your prayers...

- lots of logistical stuff: travel plans to be smoothed out, packing to be done (just how does one pack for 2 years??!?!?!)

- what I call "The Art of Leaving"; grace for the how's and when's of saying goodbye to the people I care about

As is my usual for blogging, it is late and I'm fading fast. There is much more to say, I've left out some important things, but for now these highlights will suffice, I think. Thanks for being my readers, prayers, cheerleaders, and friends. I'm so excited that you want to share in this with me. 

A case of mistaken identity

I relate. This last weekend, my church (WestGate) started their Compassion Immersion series and I was included as one of their missionaries. I'll start by saying what a huge blessing this was - was able to share my story in brief at all 4 services and was so encouraged by the response. I'm the one who came away blessed.

As for the above Michael Phelps video? Each time I got up to share, I couldn't help but think, "Excuse me, I think there's been some mistake; I'm just normal." And somehow spotlights and microphones just don't coincide with normalcy. Neither does the word "missionary." With no offense meant here, I think the word "missionary" usually conjures up two (albeit faulty) pictures: (1) the missionary as the saint, holier-than-normal and endowed with skills, talents, and spiritual gifts way above average; or (2) the missionary as the (at least) slightly socially awkward, with a penchant for picking up languages easily and usually seen to be wearing turtleneck sweaters, ankle length jean skirts with a pair of tennis shoes and socks. Granted, other possibilities exist, but I'm generalizing to an extreme to make a point -- I don't fit into these categories...there's been a case of mistaken identity and really, I'm just a normal person...who decided to move to Africa because God told me to.

At this point, I hear my father's voice in my head prompting me to tell him what the Bible has to say on the subject....and here is what I have found (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong): I can't find the word "missionary" anywhere in the Bible. There are many things we are called to be and do as followers of Christ, but I can't find the place where God asks us to be "missionaries" specifically.

Listen to the dictionary definition of missionary:
mis·sion·ar·ies
1. One who is sent on a mission, especially one sent to do religious or charitable work in a territory or foreign country.
2. One who attempts to persuade or convert others to a particular program, doctrine, or set of principles; a propagandist.

Or Wikipedia would tell you a missionary is:

"a member of a religion who works to convert those who do not share the missionary's faith; someone who proselytizes."

These definitions bother me because of words like "propagandist" and "proselytizes;" after reading these I'm tempted to see the missionary as a type of "God's hitman." Is it the missionary agenda to spread propaganda or just to make someone reach that all-important point we call "conversion"?

Now I'm really feeling uncomfortable about being called a missionary. But if God doesn't ask to be missionaries, then what does He ask us to be?

2 Corinthians 5:20 says, "We are therefore Christ's AMBASSADORS, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God."

Now contrast this definition:

am·bas·sa·dor
1. A diplomatic official of the highest rank appointed and accredited as representative in residence by one government or sovereign to another, usually for a specific length of time.
2. A diplomatic official heading his or her country's permanent mission to certain international organizations, such as the United Nations.
3. An authorized messenger or representative.
4. An unofficial representative: ambassadors of goodwill.

Or as Wikipedia would tell you, "an ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary is the highest ranking diplomat who represents their country. They are usually accredited to a foreign sovereign or government, or to an international organization, to serve as the official representative of their country."

I love that with this definition the "hitman" mentality is lost and instead we are to become relationaries that represent our God to a lost world. The goal is not conversion, it is relationship and reconciliation. The method is not to proselytize others, but to live a life that accurately represents the One who sent us.

And this calling is not just for some people - it's for all of us who call ourselves followers of Christ (back up just a few verses to 2 Cor 5:17, "If ANYONE is in Christ...").

And finally, the motive? LOVE.

"For Christ's LOVE compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves for for him who died for them and was raised again."

May we all be compelled by love to have relationships with others that give them a right picture of the God we serve.

Please, care.

The New, Improved, and Finished business cards!

With special thanks to JP Costanzo for the amazing graphic design and photography (http://costanzophotography.com/).

Statistics (the math kind)

Remember taking a statistics course in school? Math terms like "mean, average, standard deviation, sampling, variance..." Is your memory sufficiently jogged now? Your question is probably, why the sudden penchant for math? I've had numbers on the brain lately, and more specifically numbers relating to Africa and Uganda (of course).

(1.) PERCENTAGES

When I was in school (most of my life to date, actually), there was nothing better than getting a test or paper back with a big "100%" written at the top. The past several months of my life have also been marked in percentages relating to my goal of being fully supported to leave for Uganda. This past week I had a happy surprise to discover that I have over 100% of my one-time expenses! Does this mean I'm done? Ready to leave? No. That still leaves the bigger portion of "Ongoing Monthly Expenses." This category still needs lovin' as it is at 53%.

However, progress is progress and I'm excited to be getting closer.

(2.) PROPORTIONS

The past few days I've been working on a video (what others might call a low-tech powerpoint presentation) about my journey to Uganda. I spent quite a bit of time online finding pictures and researching interesting facts and statistics about Uganda. The numbers I came across astounded me. I've heard many statistics about the country before, but somehow as I did low-level math calculations it hit me in a new light.

1/2 of Uganda's 32 million people are CHILDREN under the age of 14.
1 in 6 of those children are ORPHANS.

I won't detail the rest right now because I think those two alone are enough to stop anyone in their tracks for a while.

(3.) POPULATIONS and VARIABLES

If you're anything like me, my attention span for numbers is not that long, but hang in there, this math lesson is almost over.
During my online research I also stumbled upon a fascinating and unusual map website. The Worldmapper website has a large category of maps relating to a particular subjects (http://www.worldmapper.org). Each is a density-equalizing map that re-sizes each territory according to the variable being mapped. In this case a picture is worth a thousand words. I've picked out three that literally made my jaw drop. I've never quite seen the world like this before.



Territory size shows the proportion of all people aged 15-49 with HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) worldwide, living there.






Territory size shows the proportion of all people living on over US$ 200 a day worldwide, that live there.





Territories are sized in proportion to the absolute number of people who died from most preventable (communicable infections, maternal, perinatal and nutritional conditions) in one year.


I can't remember ever getting teary eyed over a map before, but these made such a strong impression on me. I was fascinated at looking at different maps and seeing how almost in every case the US and Africa seemed to be mirror opposites - as the US grew fat in one case Africa would shrink to almost nothing....

I encourage you to check out the website and explore the many more maps they have there.

There are many different glasses to put on as we look at the world in which we live. The politician sees the word differently than the artist, who sees it differently than the economist. Today, I borrowed spectacles from the Statistician.

Blind-sided by the "What If"

When I was little, it was an innocent game we used to play with our parents, called "What if." Seated at the dinner table or in the back seat of the car, the game would ensue, question building upon question, perhaps intending (in some childish maniacal purpose) to see how far we could test parental patience.

"Mom, what if lima beans were really bad for you?"
"They're not, I promise. Now eat your vegetables."
"But what if THESE lima beans came from a farm where somebody POISONED the lima beans??"
"Your lima beans are not poisoned. Now eat."

"Dad, what if we ran out of gas? "
"Then we'd get some more."
"But what if we were far away from a gas station? and it was raining?"
"Then I'd send you to walk to get the gas."

You get the picture.

However, at age 26, I find myself blind-sided by the "What If?", shocked to discover I still play this childish game...with God. Perhaps it's now taken a more mature form and perhaps my questions actually seem important and relevant to my life, but the spirit of the game just may turn out to be the same- in essence challenging an authority figure, testing, pushing to the limit where they actually might admit "I don't know."

"God, what if I just end up stuck here in life forever?"
"God, what if I'm just not brave enough to do that?"
"God, what if I never get married?"
"God, what if I'm just not patient enough to love this person?"

...a more sophisticated version of the game, right? Cleverly disguised as prayer...A game in which I question God's authority and sovereignty in my life and basically say "I'm worried about this because I bet you didn't think to figure this out yet."

Jesus actually had a prayer involving an "If" as well...in stark contrast to my own kiddie-pool-deep-faith prayers. Jesus prayed:

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:38)
and again..."My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." (Matt 26:42)

On the brink of making the biggest sacrifice that would mean his very death (and knowing the torment involved), Jesus asked His Father to consider an alternative, but SURRENDERED His will to God.

My "If" questions suggest to God that my plan for me will be better. Jesus laid the burden of the "If" at God's feet, fully trusting His Father's sovereignty.

The truth is that I live inside my own comfort zones of surrender. Some risks are easy for me to take - for instance "things" and money aren't entirely difficult for me to trust God with....but people and relationships, now that's a different story.

I'm saying these things out loud not to be preachy but to remind myself. I believe that God does want us to be brutally honest with Him in prayer. And in my heart I know that nothing is safer than risking everything for God and surrendering all to Him.

May it be done according to Your will.


p.s. As "homework" I hope you'll watch this Rob Bell video (part 1 and 2). He's a much more eloquent communicator than I. More food for thought about prayer.

Labeled

No, I haven't forgotten.

I haven't forgotten about my blog.... more importantly I haven't forgotten about Uganda.

So what's up, you ask? What's new? What's happening?

Good questions, all.

I have a pretty short answer which can be summed up with "I'm waiting."

Maybe I'll start from the top for those who are new or those of you who need a refresher and some reminding.

I'm Kacie. I currently live in San Jose, CA, where I work as an emergency room nurse, am part of WestGate church, and in general "do" life with many great people and blessings God has put in my life. But, almost a year ago marked the beginning of a pretty big change in my life direction as God started leading me toward missions and specifically the country and people of Uganda.

So, I am planning on moving to Uganda to work as a nurse for 2 years. While I'm there I'll be working with a relief and development organization called Hope Alive! that helps to sponsor orphans and fragile family units (literal families of just children). As a nurse there I'll be doing a lot of community health work - health screenings, vaccination screenings, health and hygiene teaching, basic first aid, etc.

Since I will be there for 2 years I need to raise enough for that time. So many people have already decided to become part of my team by supporting me financially, and I'm at about halfway with the support I need. Basically, as soon as I have all of my support raised (or pledged) I can buy that plane ticket and hop on a plane!! My hopes are that that will happen soon, sometime this summer...However I know God's timing is not my own and He has reasons for me to wait (although I wouldn't mind having it spelled out for me sometimes).

I am planning on doing more posting about Uganda life, culture, and people there, but as a result of all of this waiting, I have consequently had a lot of time for reflecting (although admittedly, I resist this). While I have many a rambling thought I could share, I think I'll stick with today's, prompted by a message from church.

In church we read the story about Jacob wrestling with God (in Genesis 32) and the title of the sermon was "Labeled." Jacob was a man labeled from birth (his name literally means "heel grabber" or deceiver.... not too much imagination in the naming process - his brother Esau was literally "hairy." Try going through junior high with that name.). Point being, Jacob was labeled a deceiver from birth and seemed to live up to his name with every step he took growing up. Not until Jacob literally enters a wrestling match with God, does he face who he is past, present and future. It's then God gives him a new name and identity - Israel. Jacob is re-labeled by God.

I don't know about you, but I often feel burdened by the labels placed on me - by myself and by others. They can be weighty, like big signs hung around your neck; they can be distracting and confusing because they lie and contradict.

My labels read something like this:

Third child. Nurse. Striving for perfection. Lonely. Dissatisfied with myself. Confident. Does the "right" thing. Nice. Put together. Fun-loving. (and more recently) Missionary.

I could go on, and I know you could too. Actually, if you're reading this I would say, stop. Stop right now and write down some of your own labels, whether they are ones you made for yourself or ones that others place on you. We're going somewhere with this I promise.

Each one of my labels carries a weight with it. The ones I have made for myself are heavy because they remind me of my imperfections, my insecurities, my shortcomings, and who I "wish I could be." The ones others have placed on me are just as burdensome because I know deep inside that I can never live up to expectations. Eventually I will mess up and disappoint.

Maybe this time of waiting is my wrestling match with God. In the "silence" of waiting, I've had to (and still am, trust me..) think really hard about who I've been, who I am, and who I want to be. It's easy to begin to question, "Who am I really? Am I sure that God really said that? I can't really be a missionary, can I?"

I don't think my wrestling match is done, but here's where I'm at so far. God didn't give me a new name like He did for Jacob - instead He reminded me of the name I already have. Kacie, means Valorous. Elizabeth, means Consecrated to God.

Ultimately, God has called me just to look to Him to find my identity and to find my direction for life. My identity was defined at the cross, where it became possible for me to be called a child of God. This point has been driven home by a song that's been stuck in my head constantly lately, called Lead Me to The Cross:



Like I said these are just some ramblings and scattered thoughts, but they're part of my journey to Uganda too. I hope maybe they may give you cause for reflection in your own life and that you can also seek out the name God has given to you as His child.