demonstration

I live in a small grandmother’s house behind our main house. Outside my door is a tall cement wall topped with loops of barbed wire separating our peaceful compound oasis from the rest of the noisy neighborhood.

I don’t know my neighbors. I know that they have a cow (that wakes me up mooing most mornings), I know that they have a baby (that cries loudly most nights), I know that they like music (that plays from the radio almost all the time), I know that they use a fire to cook (that wafts smoke over the wall and makes me sneeze), I know that they are a part of a community (that is interactive and talkative judging by the conversations in Luganda that I hear but can’t understand); I know these things about them, but I don’t know them.

I’ve been reading a book called “We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families,” a book that chronicles stories from survivors of the Rwandan genocide. I’ve always been interested in these types of books, yet somehow it is easier to read them now, being in Africa. It’s as if saying, “Hey, this happened in the country that I could drive to in a matters of hours” makes it more real than when I was half a world away.

As I read, even though I know it happened, I can’t quite believe that so much death and destruction in places like Rwanda, Burundi, Uganda, Sudan…occurred during my own lifetime. Shouldn’t such devastation register in my mind, even if I was only a child? Shouldn’t I have a memory of a newspaper headline, a TV news report, or a voice on the radio that spoke of the existence of the decimation of so many lives? I was alive, but I don’t remember, because these things never even entered into the consciousness of my life or the world, as it mattered to me.

The author of this book talks about actually physically being in Rwanda:

 

“I had never been among the dead before. What to do? Look? Yes. I wanted to see them, I suppose; I had come to see them – the dead had been left unburied at Nyarubuye for memorial purposes – and there they were, so intimately exposed. I didn’t need to see them. I already knew, and believed, what had happened in Rwanda. Yet looking at the buildings and the bodies and hearing the silence of the place, with the grand Italianate basilica standing there deserted, and beds of exquisite, decadent, death-fertilized flowers blooming over the corpses, it was still strangely unimaginable. I mean one still had to imagine it.”

(“We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families: Stories from Rwanda” (1998) by Philip Gourevitch (p16,pp1))

 

Even though the evidence stared him in the face, even though he could see it, touch it, smell it, the reality of it was not something his mind could actually grasp – He had to imagine it.

We express this sort of dilemma in everyday life:

“It’s too good to be true.”

“I can’t believe it.”

Why do we say these things? When reality threatens to shatter what we have previously known, believe to be true, or want to be true. 

I wonder how much it is possible to really relate to someone, to really understand them without having lived a day in their shoes. My American self reads statistics about poverty, AIDS, and war and sees pictures of bright-eyed children living in filth and my mind immediately jumps to the solution without really stopping to examine the individual fibers that make up a complex problem. What does it feel like to go hungry most days? What does it sound like to fall asleep next to your 5 siblings and 3 cousins in your house in the slums? What do you dream about for your future?  If the aim is to affect lives for the better in the future, mustn’t we understand what it means to live as things are now?

I find this frustrating. I can live in Uganda. I can see poverty on a daily basis. I can touch those who are suffering. I can smell the work of hard labor with little profit. I can eat the same food, walk the same roads, breathe the same air, but at the end of the day I will still be, somehow, separate.  No amount of time, language fluency, or relationship will change the fact that I cannot wake up one day and be Ugandan and know how that feels.  Imagination will only take me so far.

I know of only one case in which one was able to dissolve all distinctions so as to perfectly relate, perfectly understand, and perfectly love those who were impoverished, sick, suffering, dirty, captive, and disenfranchised.

It happened when God became man and lived with us.

I’ve been puzzling over this. God created man and man ensued to get himself into a hopeless situation. Sin…war, sickness, death, disease…

 “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…” (Genesis 1:26a)

It’s bewildering enough to think that God would still love us, but why choose to intervene in the way he did? I mean, if we are talking about all-mighty God, why not just say a few words to fix the whole problem? But that’s not what happened. Instead God chose to enter into the fray. The unfathomable continues. God didn’t choose to say the magic words and fix the problem of sin; instead, He sent his son to earth.

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.” (John 1:14a)

The crazy part is that when Jesus came he didn’t just wave a magic wand around to fix the problem. Here is what we cannot quite understand – 

Jesus didn’t just COME, he BECAME.

 “(Jesus) Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:6-8)

He was God, He was qualified to fix the problem of sin, but he chose to become 100% human, like us, so that he could know what it means to live in a dirty, broken, hurting, and sinful world.

 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.” (Hebrews 4: 15)

God (as God) could have chosen to fix the problem of sin from afar. Instead he chose to KNOW us, to the detail of breathing, eating, walking, crying, loving, DYING…

“But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

So, the only message I can give to those around me, whether they earn $1/day or $1000/day is this: “I will put myself on the line to understand you, to walk in your shoes, to know your story. But I may fail and almost give up because it feels like a hopeless cause of being “too different” or “too hard.” So I want to introduce you the ONE who walked with me when I was dirty, destitute, and hopeless. His name is Jesus and he already KNOWS you because he made you. He already KNOWS your every fear and pain because he suffered them for you.”

This has been long. I hope you will read through these lyrics to a song called “We Come to You,” by Derek Webb, as my parting thought.

 

As you came to us, so we come to you

Fragile as a baby hopeful and new             

But learning fast that to walk is to fall

Soon we’ve done it all

 

We come broken and we come undone

We come trying hard to love everyone

But we come up short in all that we do

Because we do

So we come to you

 

As you came to us, so we come to you

Dirty and hurting then dead in the tomb

But raised redeemed to show off the scars

‘cause you’ve brought us this far

 

You came to show the way not around but through

So through it all we come to you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Club at Hope Alive! Kampala

Porridge for breakfast

Team building games with the secondary students...

Can they all cross the rope at exactly the same time?

Little wanderers....

Reading time with the visiting sponsors

Lunch time...

These two guys thought they were sooooo funny pretending to be pregnant...I thought so too :)

Feeding mind and body...at the same time

threads

My sister makes beautiful cross-stitch art; tiny and neatly placed “x’s” coming together to complete a unified picture or pattern. Colors are chosen specifically for the piece, each adding a new dimension to the final product. If you’re not an embroidery aficionado, however, you may not know that the backside of a finished project is nothing particularly nice to look at. In fact, it can actually look quite messy – unorganized knots and lines are not in any sort of pattern. The same threads with the same colors are still there, but they just don’t make any sense when viewed from the backside.

Today marks one month that I’ve been living in Uganda and I’ve been exposed to many of the “colors” here…. Ideas about money, family, health, relationships, music, transportation, dress, education, occupation, GOD…all blend together to make up this unique UGANDAN culture.

 When these things are viewed in the context of Uganda’s history and current situation, the picture takes on new dimensions. I recently heard a Ugandan leader share some statistics about this country:

·       Uganda is home to about 65 DIFFERENT TRIBES, each with its own language and dialect

·       Uganda’s population is approximately 32 million people

·       Of these people, 51% are CHILDREN under the age of 14

·       19% of Ugandans are MALNOURISHED

·       38% still live on less than $1/DAY

·       80% are subsistence farmers striving to live in a cash economy…leading to persistent famines in a rich land

·       In 2007, Uganda was home to 235,800 REFUGEES from Sudan, DRC, Rwanda, Somalia, and Burundi

·       While education is seen as an escape from the cycle of poverty, most families cannot afford to send more than 1 child to school for an elementary level education

·       When looking at the people of Uganda, there is visible gap between those who HAVE and those who DON’T

As if these statistics along were not enough to burden my heart, the speaker then made this comment to the “bazungus” (white people):

“YOU REPRESENT THE AMERICAN DOLLAR.”

Great. Now I feel like I’m swimming in my own guilt, the guilt of being born as a “HAVE” of this world. Not only do I live “in but not of” those who “don’t have,” but they see me as the visage of the dollar sign. Do I have a life response for what this means? A visible reaction or response I should make? Should I feel proud or ashamed? Besides feeling overwhelmed, I haven’t come up with an answer.

I am (as one person put it), like “a firefighter standing in front of a raging forest fire with only a cup of water.”

I look around me and see the hungry, the needy, the sick, the disenfranchised.  On the other end of the spectrum, I see people (both nationals and expatriates) who have committed their ALL to helping to alleviate the pain of Ugandans – people I could only aspire to be like. I feel, all at once, both lavishly rich in heritage and position and grossly poor in my qualifications.

It’s quite possible that moving to Uganda only brought a magnifying lens to what was already present in my life, even as I lived in America – if we open our eyes and really SEE what is around us, we will always find those who need in a way we feel unqualified to help. I’m going to include you, my reader, in this “we” as I say this – We excuse ourselves from responsibility far too often because we believe we could never affect change in such a hopelessly large predicament.

I heard this story once:

"Many starfish washed up on shore.  A young boy started picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean.  Someone saw what he was doing and told him that it was pointless, that there were too many to save, that it wouldn't make a difference.  Throwing another starfish into the sea, the little boy responded, "It makes a difference to this one."

 While I like this little tale of inspiration, I still not sure it moves me to action because it is still “I” who must provide the power and motivation to make even a small something happen.

So, one more quote, if I may, WorldVenture’s Africa director in response to this very predicament:

“we didn’t choose our origins or where we would be born – GOD chose these things for His benefit.”

A sigh in relief. As it turns out, I don’t have to feel guilty for being born who I am – a white American from a middle class family with a college education and a well-paying, respected profession. I do not have to feel guilty, but I must feel and act responsibly with what I’ve been given.

I do not have to feel pressured or under-qualified because I am not the whole picture – I am merely one thread, one color in the whole masterpiece God is weaving in the story of history – past, present, and future. My view of the state of people and this world looks pretty messy from where I stand, but that is because I am not able to see it from the Creator’s perspective…not yet, anyway.

 

 

“we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, 15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— 16 from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love. Ephesians 4:14-16 

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.” 1 Corinthians 13:11a

 

Rhythm

Dancing.

 

Singing.

 

Breathing.

 

Living, moving, being.

 

Don’t’ tell me you don’t have it, because we’ve all got it. Rhythm. Whether you’re a fierce dancer or were born without the ability to clap in time to a marching band song, we all live our lives to a rhythm. Those of use who are type A’s may live lives orchestrated like a complex Beethoven symphony; and those of us who are self-proclaimed free-spirits may live lives to the movements of something akin to a river dance…. underneath it all though is a rhythm, a beat.

 

Eating.

 

Sleeping.

 

Laughing.

 

Living, moving, being.

 

Rhythm happens within a person, within a family, within a culture. It varies, it moves, it morphs. It moves our souls and connects us to each other. Rhythm is about feeling and relationship. 

 

I recently broke out of my usual life cadence by moving to Uganda. Talk about having a different groove to life. 

 

My living situation now is a weird mixture that I’m still trying to reconcile in my head. I live in a house with 2 other girls that is on a compound with 3 other houses. We have electricity, running water, even kitchen appliances. We have a car we share and use to drive to work, church, the grocery story (yes, they have grocery stores here)…where we can buy food “similar” to American food (although if you choose to buy it, a brand name box of cereal can cost $7 or more and a cake mix of box mix for brownies or cookies can cost $11 or more!!!). So, in that sense, my life still feels “modern” and even “American,” in a scaled down sense (although the pack of howling dogs usually start their ruckus at around 10pm and the cow that lives behind my house wakes me up in the morning).

 

The strange part is that within a mile of my home here there are kids and families that live in shacks. The average day’s wage is around $2/day, sometimes less. At kids club one Saturday, one of the kids said she wanted to thank God because her family got to eat chicken and rice for Independence Day. We went with one of the program’s mentors to visit one of the students. Dora and sister live in one of Kampala’s slums. I always joke that I worked in the ghetto in San Jose, but I guess I’ve never been to a slum before. It’s literally a city of shacks, shanties, and a maze of muddy dirt paths with whole families of 6-8 people living in one room “houses.”

 

The family we visited was so glad to have us. In America, it’s an honor to be invited to someone’s house. In African culture it’s an honor to have someone come and visit (even unannounced). For them to have “mzungu’s” (white people) come visit their home is an even bigger honor. The father of the family is a baker so they served us juice and muffins. It’s so hard to sit there and have them serve you when you know they need it so much more than you.

 

So, it’s hard to know how to make these mental adjustments in my head. I don’t think anyone expects me to go and move into the slums and of course I wouldn’t really want to… It’s just hard to know that my neighbors and some of the friends I have made here do. What do you do with that?

 

Playing.

 

Loving.

 

Mourning.

 

Living, moving, being.

 

Since I’ve been here, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about how I’ve been living my life for the last 3 years. Not so much berating myself for all the things I have, or the money I earned in comparison to those here, but specifically the HOW of my life. I’m an independent person. I go places when I want to. I eat when I want to. I choose who and how much time I want to spend with people. I organize my day and plan out time for events and people, even God.

 

There is an Swahili proverb that says, “Haraka, Haraka, Haina Baraka,” which means “Hurry, hurry has no blessing.” When you greet someone you spend time asking them “how are you?” and “how is your family?” several times and in several ways. People walk most everywhere, leisurely.  So many times since I’ve been here I’ve become suddenly enveloped in spontaneous times of worship and prayer.

 

So my question to myself is…what is my rhythm? Do I orchestrate the music to my life and simply invite God to play a first chair instrument, or do I sit down and allow Him to conduct every chord in my life?

 

“For in Him we LIVE and MOVE and have our BEING.” Acts 17:28

On Being Born...

My Friends! Here I am; I grew my wings, flew over and ocean, and landed safely here in Uganda. I can’t say thanks enough for all of you prayers and well wishes. Quite amazingly the trip was pretty uneventful (meaning no hair-raising sprints through the airport, no surly (or smelly for that matter) plane companions, and (drum roll please) no lost luggage…which is quite a feat considering I did the trek with three 50-pound trunks, a 50-pound “carry-on,” a 70 pound box (containing 2 desktop computers), and a backpack (which I considered my “personal item.” Sure, it weighed the amount of a small child, but since it still was able to be crammed beneath the seat, it totally qualified :)

 

And so after roughly 34 hours of traveling I arrived in Uganda (successfully avoided the customs people) and was greeted by the smiling faces of my new roommates.

 

Day 1 was a bit rough simply due to the fact that I arrived at 8am and so I faced a brand new day after minimal sleep. It was kind of a blur -  met lots of new people, ate new food, moved into my new place…lots of “new” to be had.

 

Day 2 started my “orientation” here – logistical things for WorldVenture,, then a day out grocery shopping with the Davis family to give me an initial taste of everyday things like going to the bank, shopping for food, and…..traveling around the city (insert crazy face here). The goal is for me to become somewhat “familiar” with the city and “used to” what it is like to drive here before I actually get behind the wheel. I’m not sure I can paint an accurate picture of this for you… but start with driving on the right side of car, driving on the left side of the road and add roads pocked with potholes and numerous speed bumps; then put it all into the context of 3^rd world country driving – more people walking on the side of the road than driving, “taxi’s” (vans for public transport) that turn one lane into two or three, countless “boda-bodas” (motorcycles for public transport) weaving and squeezing anywhere and everywhere between and around cars, with the added benefit of a general lack of roadway laws. Needless to say, these elements combined with my inherent lack of any directional sense makes me wary of conquering these roadways as a driver anytime soon.

 

To continue on with this theme, today starts day 3, dedicated to more lessons on transportation (as this is an essential parts of everyday life). The specific task of the day is to travel around town using taxis and bodas with a local Ugandan friend….I have no doubt I will have stories to share J

 

I feel like everything is still to fresh to offer up any sort of meaningful cultural observations, but I will say I have had the warmest of welcomes from my American and Ugandan teammates here.

 

My biggest reflection is thoughts on being so “new.” It feels, in a way, like born all over again. Not only do I not understand complex things like the culture, even the simplest of things bring confusion and require conscious effort. “How do I turn on this light? I don’t’ know.” “Where is my toothbrush? I don’t know.” “What is this person’s name again? I don’t know.” I need help with everything. I have a question for everything. Pretty much the only things I know how to do are breathe, sleep, and go to the bathroom J

 

For an independent person like myself it is not only difficult to realize you know next to nothing, it is also humbling. And this is actually really great because then I can go to the only place I should be living – under the grace and sufficiency of God.

 

I’ve been reflecting on verse for quite some time now before I left for Uganda and it is just as aptly appropriate now – 2 Corinthians 9:8:

 

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

 

I pray that for each and every challenge and struggle in your own life you will also find the Grace of God steadfast and in excess of what you need.

 

So for the next hours, days and weeks to come I will be working on baby steps (“Hey, I can buy loaf of bread!” “Hey, I recognized that building!”) and practicing first words (it takes a while for the sound to become familiar) – “I live in Uganda!”

Love, Hippies, and Theology

I was born January 12, 1983. That's right, child of the 80's, born to parents who I believe are hippies at heart...making me somewhat of a self-declared hippie child. So to set the mood for this blog post I present you with the Beatles, of course (but pay attention to the lyrics, you'll need 'em later on...) 

This last month has been hallmarked with beginnings and endings, hellos and goodbyes for me - my niece, Lydia, arrived making me a first-time auntie; I wrote a letter of resignation and successfully finished my last day of work at Regional Medical Center ER; I saw my big sister off as she returned for her 4th year of teaching English in Slovakia; and recently, loaded my bed into a moving van and out of an increasingly sparse apartment. Like little pieces to a puzzle, all these details are adding momentum to the day I get to leave for Uganda...and each detail needles a poignant "goodbye" into my heart. I've been excited to go to Uganda for so long, that I think I almost neglected to estimate the pain involved in the leaving.

Goodbye.

So now I find myself in this place that feels awkward and ungainly. I want my time left here to be special and significant, filled with good times, memories and conversations with my friends and family; at the same time though, I try to ignore the voice that says, "this could be the last time that..." My own selfish and somewhat introverted tendency would be to disengage and pull away from people and relationships....so that it is not as painful to leave. At a time when I think I should be wrapping things up, God has placed new people, deeper friendships, and possibilities in my life. I sigh. The wallflower in me argues, "God, don't you think we should just tone things down, you know, so I can just slip out the door quietly...?

Is this just my own tendency, or perhaps a symptom of the society we all live in, one that tries to avoid pain at all cost? 

"Quick! Give me something to take away this headache!" 

"This is just too hard; I want a divorce." 

(and one of my favorite) "Exciting new diet pills; no exercise needed!"

I think we have fallen into the trap of the flawed logic:

Pain = Personal Discomfort = No Personal Benefit

Can we so unequivocally say that because pain is, well (duh), painful/uncomfortable it is bad and should be avoided? I think we could get even a 5th grader to see that some painful experiences can be beneficial (i.e. physical pain to train for a marathon or lose weight,etc.). Okay, so maaaybe we explain some benefit of physical pain, but don'tcha think emotional pain is much harder to accept as something good for your life? Crazy, right? I mean we're talkin' the pain that comes with being relational beings - friends, enemies, competitors, mothers, fathers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, bosses, and employees dealing with LOVE, ANGER, HATE, ROMANCE, JEALOUSY, PRIDE, GUILT.....These words, these emotions, are like the fireworks of our souls providing beauty, color, (even) entertainment....until they set something on fire and cause pain and destruction. Is is better just to give up something beautiful if it is almost certain to cause some amount of pain?

Hello. 

I've said it before, I'll say it again - I don't know What you believe or Who you believe in, but if I may tell you about my God...I believe in a God Who is eternally and freely giving of Himself for the good of others. I believe in a God Who loves freely and Who loves to love. I believe in a God Who loves us extravagantly in the most costly way - just look at the cross ("In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him." 1 John 4:9). So now we have a God Who created us to be relational beings, just as He is relational; and we have a God Who modeled what love in relationship should look like.... This part scares me because then I see what love should look like - plain and simple, it HURTS to love like God because LOVE loves to give self-sacrificially, in a way that just may be costly to me ("A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34). Basically, if I claim to serve and follow this God then my life will be marked by the love demonstrated in my relationships.

To sum up...

Love so that you FEEL it. 

And now for perhaps the hardest part of all....Why the Beatles? I'm still working out the kinks, but in my mind this song's lyrics remind me of this "upside-down" love theology I believe we're called to live. What you may see as a situation needing a fast escape to ensure your own comfort, God may see as an opportunity to pull up a chair and start a new conversation. Hello, instead of Goodbye. 

So if you see me off this week before I leave for Uganda, just give me a wave a Hello. Goodbyes aren't required. 

"It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love."   John 13:1

Oh here you are....

Stuffed in a plastic bag, tucked in a box, under a pile of books, I found my blog today...Okay, not really, but I was hoping I could blame my delinquency in not posting on the chaos which has moved in and made itself comfortable in my life as of late. If you fear that my long absence in writing may now require some sort of dastardly-long entry of tedious proportions, I'm with you in that trepidation. In the best interest of my readers, then, I think it best to give you the "Cliff Notes" version of the last month or so (oh dear, it indeed has been that long...).

And by way of prologue, I do apologize for not doing a better job at keeping you posted on the latest developments in my progress toward Uganda. 

* I quit my job. Having never really quit a "real" job before this was a weird and scary step to take. I wrote my letter of resignation and had my last day of work on September 1st. I had decided that my last month here should be spent being with the people I love and focusing on the many details that need to get accomplished before I leave. Since the word "unemployed" makes me uncomfortable, I say I am on "elective early short-term retirement"  :)

* I was given my "clearance to depart" last week! This means I'm a-okay to make my travel arrangements and start packing my bags. While my support level is not at 100%, I'm able to make up the difference with some of my own finances at this time. This is actually something I had been praying about before and felt that I wanted to be "mutually invested" financially along with the many people who are supporting me in that way. God has been so faithful to provide for my needs this far, so I'm continuing to wait and see what He will do with the time I have left. 

* This past wednesday marked a pretty important day for me - I bought my plane ticket!! Each one of these steps has brought the notion closer and closer to reality...and now I have a one-way ticket to Uganda....craaazy. So, I get my wings on October 3rd and will arrive into Kampala, Uganda on October 5th!!

* It's been really nice (and strange too) to not have to go to work...I've been able to spend some great time with family and many you, my friends. It's very surreal to think that after all of this anticipation, praying, and planning, this is *finally* and really happening. 

* In all honesty, while my anticipation is great, I'm also nervous. It's hard to conceptualize or really begin to grasp what it means to move to a place I've never even visited and place I know will be vastly different than what my life looks like here. On that note, I really appreciate your prayers...

- lots of logistical stuff: travel plans to be smoothed out, packing to be done (just how does one pack for 2 years??!?!?!)

- what I call "The Art of Leaving"; grace for the how's and when's of saying goodbye to the people I care about

As is my usual for blogging, it is late and I'm fading fast. There is much more to say, I've left out some important things, but for now these highlights will suffice, I think. Thanks for being my readers, prayers, cheerleaders, and friends. I'm so excited that you want to share in this with me.